I just kept remembering every time I'd leave the hospital from visiting her that I was so lucky to be healthy and holding out hope that she'd be ok. Man, I feel so arrogant now to have been like "I"m healthy, I eat (somewhat) right, I work out. I'm lucky to be so healthy."
What a fucking joke that turned out to be.
Shortly after she was released I started to have some incredibly bad pain in my back on my right side. True to form, I just ignored it. I remember calling my best friend Reese on a Friday night thinking I should go to the hospital because the pain was bad and I was having trouble drawing breath. Instead of going to the hospital I decided, in my infinite wisdom, to go home and take some Aleve and sleep it off.
How you people live with me is beyond my comprehension.
By Monday it was pretty clear something was wrong. Really wrong. I was able to get into my doctor and after some fun and exciting CT Scans I was sent home to await my results. When the results came in, it was a crushing blow because I knew what it meant. I had blood clots in my lungs. Again. According to the doctor who read my results my lungs were 'lit up like a Christmas tree.'
The hospital is about the closest thing we law abiding citizens will ever get to prison. Thankfully the food is pretty good.
While this wasn't my first rodeo with blood clots, it was probably my worst. I had been tested 10 years prior from another incident and was told I was 'blood clot free.' About 5 years later, I had one in my calf. I was told at that time that it was common to keep getting them after you had them once. Now I was on to round three, and the chances of this being forever was pretty great.
It was decided after the results of my labs came back. I have Lupus B Antiphosholipid Antibodies Syndrome. Basically, I have Lupus, but in my blood stream. There's no cure. The only answer is thinners, Coumadin (Warfarin to be exact) for the rest of my life.
Forever.
It's a pretty long time when you're 40. And you ride and own horses. Especially a tricky red head who sometimes gets an opinion as big as his head and decides your feeble equestrian skills need to be taught to you in the dirt. Quitting riding isn't an option. Selling Chance isn't an option. Retiring Chance isn't an option either. Honestly, that never even entered my mind.
So how did I end up here? How did I end up with this somewhat rare blood disease? The answer is pretty simple.
Tap water.
If you've ever watched that movie Erin Brokovich then you know the story of PG&E poisoning the tap water in Hinkley. What they movie leaves out is quite a sizable gap. No pretty, foul mouthed former beauty queen ever knocked on my door and asked me (or my family) to join a lawsuit. She never asked a representative from the company what my blood condition was worth. I can tell you what we got from that huge lawsuit.
Not a fucking dime.
And now all of the money is gone, but the people who didn't get financial compensation remain. Don't be fooled by her amazing story. Did she help some folks? Sure. Did she help everyone? No. My father lived in Hinkley pretty much his entire life. He's got blood clots along with a list of other health issues. My mom lived in Hinkley. She's got plenty of health issues. Nobody asked us what our suffering was worth.
To be clear, here's a list of the issues I have that I have lived through:
1. Mitral Valve Prolapse
2. Varicose Veins
3. Blood disorder
4. Full hysterectomy
5. Loss of 3/4 of my thyroid
So next time you watch the movie and think wow she really helped those people, she didn't help us all.
That's why every time around April I get a little resentful and a little pissed off. I've lost a lot and gotten not much in return. I keep moving forward because it's the only option but every now and again I have to look back and have a day or two of anger and then pick up and carry on. I joke a lot about that I'm angry about something until I'm not angry about it anymore. There's no real time frame for that. I think on some level I'll be angry about this forever, just better on some days rather than others.
For those of you that read this, my life should be back to normal next week and my blog posts can be more about my two reasonable red heads who cart my ass around versus my personal bitching and moaning. Stay tuned for that.......
