I read a post recently that was published by COTH about people living with auto immune disorders and this one ladies saga with her disease (Lupus). It really affected me as her plight was very similar to my own. It talked about how things changed in her life and how her support system came together to help her. She made several changes in her life; she didn't jump as high anymore (I'm there), she wanted less stress at her job (trying to get there) and how she wanted to have her own horse property (also trying to get there).
When I was a younger, people would frequently ask me why I wasn't jumping higher or showing. The answer was, quite frankly, I didn't want to be. Before I was diagnosed I felt tremendous pressure from other people to 'do more' with Chance. Wasn't I worried I was wasting his prime just loping around little fences? Why didn't I show more because he was such a nice horse? Wasn't I feeling unfilled as a rider just being in a back yard?
The answer to all of that is NO. I did for awhile but then one day it just kind of dawned on me. I was happy at home. I had shown a ton as a kid and one day, after my show horses had moved on to more suitable riders, it dawned on me now I had a choice. I had a choice to stay home and train horses or I could show. I preferred staying home. Sure, I venture out from time to time to a show and I judge one show a year for Olivia and her On The Mark crew but in general horse shows make me insane.
I openly admit that I watch WAY too much reality TV including Dance Moms and Dancing Queen (because who doesn't love dancing AND a drag queen?!) and they all say the same thing before their kids go out there. LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FLOOR HONEY! That's probably the one thing that has changed in me since I got diagnosed. I live every day 'leaving it all on the floor.' Why do we save things for ONE moment in our day/week/month? Life is too short to wait when you're mortality is on the line. I could easily die in a fall down the stairs that someone else could survive. Do I want to fall down those stairs thinking "I should've done XYZ thing?'
I've tried to take the pin out of things I've waited to do and pushed play instead of pause. That doesn't mean I'm out there living like a psychopathic idiot but it also means that I try to wait less and do more. If I fell down those stairs today and had a few minutes left before I bled out what would I change? Would I have ridden more? (Ok, well we always would've ridden more) Would I have jumped higher? What regret would I have that I didn't do? Right now, that only regret would be not having my horses at home. It's a goal I'm working towards, but I also have to stay on budget and on financial track. I'm also very fortunate that my horses are boarded somewhere that I love and that they are happy with. If they have to be there for another few years it's not a huge loss. There's a reason for everything and there's a reason why I'm still boarding.
Right now, the bottom line for me is that I'm living what's my best life within reason. I set goals for myself and try to accomplish them. I have lists of things I want to do even if some of them are downright stupid. You know, like the Go Ape experience that ended with a bleeding event but one hell of a good time. That's the difference between the pre and post diagnosis. Pre diagnosis wouldn't have been so interested in an aerial obstacle course but post diagnosis would.
And that's my pearl of wisdom from a 'sick' person. Don't wait to do what you want to do. Live your best life. Leave it all on the dance floor. Don't let anyone stop you from doing what you want to do. You never know when today might be your last day.
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